Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
