I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
