Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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