Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
