She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
