i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
