On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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