I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
