I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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