I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
