my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
