Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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