how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
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