I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
