You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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