At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
