i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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