Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
