Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
