The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
