Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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