I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
