the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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