Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
