Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
