So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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