i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
