Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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