I can feel you judging me through the phone.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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