we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize