i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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