You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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