I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
