erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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