Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
And then my night got REAL pukey
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
