Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
