How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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