Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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