They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
