You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
