At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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