Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
