Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
dude. I can hear the air.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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