i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
