I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
