apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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