Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
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