I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
