Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
