Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
