So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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