Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
