She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize