Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
two words...techno handjob
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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