Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Text me some of your sweat
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
