Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Randomize
