haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
