i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
