My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
They took my balls.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
