The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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