Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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