my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Is it because I queefed?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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