Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
